Cubicle Worker’s Creed

This is my cubicle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My cubicle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My cubicle, without me, is useless. Without my cubicle, I am useless. I must sit in my cubicle true. I must file TPS reports faster than my coworker who is trying to appear more productive than me. I must turn in my TPS reports before he turns in his. I will…

My cubicle and I know that what counts in annual reviews is not the projects we work on, the phone calls we make, nor the meetings we attend. We know that it is the appearance of productivity that counts. We will appear productive…

My cubicle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its drawers, its cubbies, its chair, its phone, its tape dispenser and its stapler. I will keep my cubicle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will…

Before God, I swear this creed. My cubicle and I are the defenders of my company. We are the masters of our annual salary adjustment. We are the saviors of my 401(k).

So be it, until every job is automated and there is no work left, only forced early retirement!

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